This happens every time I wake up after not being able to sleep in. And I think we've all been there; I don't think I'm special or alone in experiencing that slow slog when you wearily blink your eyes open and you feel like you've been hit by a train, swirled around in a tornado, or only remember when you closed your eyes... to see bright light blasting through your window.
I hate not getting enough sleep. It drives me crazy. And the worst part is that I know myself well enough to feel dread when I know I'm not going to get enough of it. Because in the morning, all I am going to feel is a pit insdie my stomach that feels like despair.
I've been dealing with depression most of my life. During the pandemic, I digitized all of my poetry and writings from when I was in middle school and high school and it is now blaringly eveident that it is part of my life.
The funny thing is, I know a lot of my best writing, my best editing, my raw-est, unfiltered creativity comes through in the wee hours of the morning.... My plan is to find a way to challenge myself to stop using the clock as a barrier to entry for my brain's waves of story magic. I'll let you know how that goes, but I remain positive that I can do it.
I digress. That pit inside my stomach? My GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) screams the loudest in the morning when I haven't gotten enough sleep because my normal emotional self-control is weakened. I know that the unexplained and unreasonable Anxiety is simply there telling me I didn't get enough sleep, or that now i have to rush through my day, or X or Y or Z or whatever it's throwing at me now.
It's annoying. And I know the best remedy to shutting it up is to get more sleep. So today I think I'll give myself some grace to move slowly.